He Will Give me the Desires of my Heart

I have been meditating on these two verses lately. Romans 8:28- "All things work together for good, to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." and Psalm 37:4- "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."


Sometimes I wonder if I will ever make it. Will FlyMissions ever get off the ground, no pun intended? Will I ever transport a sex trafficking victim to a safe house using my own plane? These are my dreams. He put the desires in my heart and I can be assured that this journey I am on will work together for good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose.


I was encouraged the other day that as long as I am faithful every day to do what He has set before me, whether I see the fruits of my labors or not, I will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord." That is my reward!

More Than Anything

I want to be a missionary pilot, rescuing girls out of sex trafficking in Asia, MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!

I have so many doubts though and I am pretty sad these days.  I sit here without my pilots license. How long do I try?  Is it time to quit?

People around me try to encourage me.  I don't think anyone has ever told me that I couldn't do it.  The real question is, why hasn't it happened yet?  I was so sure of the Lord's leading...but I doubt now.  I have never been so close to quitting.  Mentally, I feel like I just cannot get it and it saddens me.

I am running low on hope.  Please pray for me.

Why?

This beautiful journey the Lord has placed me on has been so difficult.  I don't understand why things cannot come easier.  It seems there are vines strung all across the field that keep tripping me up. I trust that I will get to the other side but when?  When will these vines stop twisting around my ankles?  I just want to run to the finish line.

I flew for the first time on July 7, 2007.  God confirmed in my heart that I was supposed to fly for Him.  I officially started on this journey to get my pilots license on May 6, 2009 and more than six years later, I have little to show for it.  A lot of heartache. I said to one of my flight instructors once, "If I wasn't called to do this, I would have quit by now."  It seems every time I turn around, there is another obstacle, some bigger than others.  Nothing that I cannot get through but Lord, can I please at least see one milestone completed?  I need clarity, I need wisdom and I could surely use the affirmation of receiving my pilots license. Please help me, I pray.

There are a million reasons to quit but One reason not to.

I press on.

My heart is aching :(

Sin is so deceitful-- so enticing.  It offers the world and gives heartache instead.  It reminds me of the Garden of Eden.  Satan still uses the same tactics and somehow, generation after generation, we still fall for his schemes.  I suppose it is worse going through the consequences of sinful choices but watching those you care about suffer is not easy either.  Tonight, my heart aches for a few friends, who have been led astray.  And, even tonight, as I presume they lay on their beds contemplating life, I pray that they choose Jesus and His path of abundant and eternal life.

God is doing something beautiful in their lives. I am confident of that.  So I rest in His goodness. I pray. I wait.

Lord, have mercy.  You are God and You ALONE are GOOD! :) Thank you Jesus!!!

I don't know what it is about worship music but it can so easily bring me to my knees with tears in my eyes in full surrender.  Lord Jesus, I love you!

"I Surrender"
by Hillsong

Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
Desperate for You

I surrender

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
 Desperate for Youz

I surrender

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
....

I have felt the calling to lead worship for some time now.  I don't know an exact date but it becomes more and more confirmed with time.  Every time I see this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEJnePjJZaM, I feel the call.  My heart just leaps to a different place where all I sense is joy and satisfaction, where nothing else matters.  All my hopes, cares and distractions fade away as I pour out my heart in worship.  Someday this is all I will do...in heaven.  I cannot wait..but I must.  This song specifically speaks to me. For many years, God has not relented, not given up.  I have fallen time and time again but in His unwavering grace He dusts me off and wraps His loving arms around me and spurs me on to good works.  I feel so "at home" worshipping him. 

Today has been one of those days where I don't physically want to be where I am but on the other hand I cannot think of a place where I would be satisfied.  I opened up this song and realized, as I felt that burning in my heart again, that where I truly yearn to be is worshiping Him in our "home" called heaven.  Oh, Lord, please help me to joyously persevere.  You have set me here, in this time of life, to refine me, to draw me ever closer to You and make me to become more like Your Son Jesus.  I need your joy, grace and strength to empower and overwhelm me.  I cannot do it on my own.  I need You.

my "babycakes"

The Hard Things cont..

I am praying that if it is God's will, He might provide someone to help care for the children and help out around the house, just even so my sister can get some sleep. I know these will be trying days for Jen but God is greater than any trial this world has to offer. He is our Strength! He will provide in marvelous ways and show His hand of Might once again! I will rest in these promises and that His love for us will never fail.

"Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, 
from everlasting to everlasting.

Let all the people say, “Amen!” Praise the LORD. 
(Psalm 106:48)

The Hard Things

Sometimes God asks us to at least be willing to do the hard things.  This has been an emotionally tough year for me.  Just when I thought the rest of this year might begin to look up, God instead asked me to do one more hard thing.

My sister has two children and is pregnant with her third child.  They found out about one month ago that her husband, who is in the Army, will be away for mandatory training for seven weeks, in which time, my sister is expecting the arrival of their child.  Not too long after that, her husband will deploy yet again.  I prayed long and hard over whether or not I should at least temporarily relocate to Kentucky to help with the children during these seven weeks.  I was willing to stay up to a year-and-a-half to assist during my brother-in-law's absence.  My sister and brother-in-law are moving soon and their new home would have provided a place for me to stay. I had a potential part-time job (with my favorite airline, I might add) and the comfort of being with my family. But, God said, "no."

Nothing pains me more than not being there for my sister.  I love her so much more than words could ever express. Just typing this brings me to tears, literally.  I know how badly she longs for me to be there and, in turn, how badly I long to be there. 

I do not know why God desires that I stay here.  As one friend said recently, "Here?, Why?"  That is a really great question.  I just keep referring back to His calling on my life.  I do not know why I need to stay here in New Jersey and not be with my sister when she seemingly needs me the most.  But, for God, I am willing.

I think the hardest part is mentally picturing my sister in tears as she struggles with three children under three without her husband by her side.  Tied closely to that emotion is the reality of how much I long to be a part of their lives.  I miss them so much!

Lord, I surrender everything that I am--heart and soul--to your desires for my life. It does not make sense to me, but, I know Your ways are higher than mine and I trust and rest in You.  You are my Refuge, an ever-present Help in time of need! I could not live a day without You.

Two songs that spoke to me heavily today and comforted my weak heart are linked below.  I balled for at least 25 minutes and kept replaying "Savior King" over and over.  After most of the tears subsided, I played "Lord, I Need You" by Chris Tomlin.  Such healing-- "Every hour I need you...Oh God, how I need You."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=tiI04N9SmLA&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0bSTs2KnAs

Do you ever feel that Satan has your number?

 This post was actually written several months ago but I never published it.  After reading it today, and struggling yet again, I thought I should post it, even if it is just for me :)
 
The past two days Satan has really been fighting overtime, so it seems. It's almost like I have been fine for so many months and then out of nowhere, "wham" there he is, in full storm. I am not even sure what brought this on but I am haunted again by this sin that never seems to go away completely. That sin that we somehow need to re-commit at the altar more than we would like to admit. That one weakness that creeps up on us unexpectedly and makes us feel like we are unworthy of God's love. I think we each have our own "Satan Specialty." It is almost as if he knows exactly what buttons to push in hopes of persuading us to fall off the edge in into his filthy muck once again. And somehow, for those few moments, that muck looks so enticing! The more we give in to the temptation the more beautiful and alluring the sin becomes. If we let the temptation settle and thrive in our minds, he has us right where he wants us. "Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. " - James 1:14,15
Luckily, God is full of grace and truth. These are the ingredients of victory over sin. Instead of dwelling on Satan's lies, we must speak truth. Start thanking God for all He has done for you. You will be amazed at how soon the temptations will flee when we realize that what Satan has to offer is only temporary pleasure with a side of guilt and shame. Sometimes, I believe that we just need to cry out for His grace, realizing that we cannot do it on our own. Sometimes in His mercy, he picks us up even in our darkest moment and lifts us up out of the miry pit and all we can do is praise and worship Him because we know it was only by His grace and mercy, no merit of our own. (1 Cor 15:10, 2 Cor 12:9)
I don't know how long I will be haunted by this sin. Will I wake up tomorrow and not wrestle with it for another 6 months? Will it ever go away completely? Only God knows but I have a strong feeling that these moments of weakness are what keeps us near to the cross. These moments keep us humble and true to ourselves and more importantly they keep us true to God. We are not fooling anyone. Living a life of holiness is not easy but it can be done. We must maintain a proper fear of God and be constantly yielding to righteousness (Rom 6:19, 2 Cor 7:1).

just stuff

So, it looks like I will be going to Haiti April 10-16th. Pretty excited about that! Wish it could be longer but God knows what is best.

I am concerned as I get physically ready for Basic Military Training from May 5th-July 2nd. I have been told that I have a hiatal hernia and I have a lot of trouble when I exercise intensely. I am in the process of making doctor visits now and are possibly looking at surgery. Not sure. Whatever my issue is I will be happy the day that I feel healthy enough to compete again.

Right now, I just have my carpet cleaning and my two-day-a-month military pay for income. You could say the money is tight but God continues to supply my every need daily. He is So Good!

I'm not sure there is much else to mention as a means of getting caught up. Still involved at church. Wish I could sing more. I enjoy teaching very much and hope to lead a small group of some kind whether it is an FCA huddle or a young adult study, I would like to do something

May the God of peace...equip you...

²⁰May the God of peace,
who through the blood of the eternal covenant
brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus,
that great Shepherd of the sheep,
²¹equip you with everything good for doing his will,
and may he work in us what is pleasing to him,
through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.
Amen.
Hebrews 13:20,21

I hope to write more about this verse in the future but for now, I will just say that God is working out something beautiful in my life and heart and I am willing to follow Him wherever He leads me. Sorry, time permits me to go into detail. I hope to post again soon. God bless you all! :)

Humility 101

"For who makes you different from anyone else?
What do you have that you did not receive?
And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?"
I Corinthians 4:7

So often forgotten

Last night, as I was pulling up to the driveway in my truck, I heard the lyrics of this song and continued to listen to it two more times as I pondered the reality of these words in my own life. Is my passion in life to know Christ? The line often gets blurred and I think for another moment it was a reality check. I get so excited thinking about the possibility of someday flying overseas helping others in need and telling them of the Good News of Jesus' love for them. I dream of telling them this Good News and God using my life to stir villages and scores of people to turn to Him. But do I dream of knowing Christ more? I mean if you ask me, "Do you want to know Christ more?" of course I would say "Yes," Who wouldn't? But is He my all-consuming passion, my obsession, as Steven Curtis Chapman says it?
Last night, in particular, I was struggling once again with the decision to join the Air National Guard. I really want to join but I struggle with not having my parents' blessing on the decision and the fact that it is a six-year commitment.
So, as I continued to dwell on this and search God for answers, it became obvious that He doesn't want me to worry about it. What He does want is for me to spend time with Him, draw closer to Him and let Him consume me. He should be my passion, the One I dream of. Oh, to know Him better! May that be the longing of my heart!

Above All Else
by Vicky Beeching

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down to
This journey of loving You more
Jesus, You've showered Your goodness on me
Given Your gifts so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing for
Hear my heart's cry
And my prayer for this life

Above all else
Above all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself

Savior, the more that I see Your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your glory
My heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offer
Could ever compare to You
So, hear my heart's cry
And my prayer for this life

Enjoying my night off!

So, I gave my two-week notice to my employer on Monday. I was so happy as I walked out those front doors to go home that day. It was a real sense of relief. I can't explain how much I dislike this job. I am sure God has something else planned for me. For now, I just need to work out the rest of these days while I look for something else. Tonight, I am enjoying the evening off and looking at all my options for employment, flight education and location yet again. I am confident that God will direct my paths in His time. Trusting Him.

I'm not sure where the time goes...

It's here and then its gone. My vacation, that it. My two and a half weeks in Wisconsin were filled with memories that will last a lifetime. The first memory being the arrival of Emma Jane! She is adorable and a real gift from God. I am very thankful that she and my sister are healthy and will be going home from the hospital--with Ben--tomorrow. Ben's military leave was extended so we are all thankful to God that he could be a part of this special time.

In addition to Emma's arrival, my favorite moments were the times spent by the fire with my family, eating way too much ice cream and roasted marshmallows. Bowling was also fun as well as the horseback riding. Mostly, it was fun just being together. Overall, the trip was one of a lifetime and I enjoyed my time with my family very much. I pray that God brings us back together soon. I love them all!

My vacation to the Midwest was great but I will be honest, I am so confused right now. Where I am supposed to be and what to do. I recently got a new job cleaning airplanes. I really don't like the job but I feel like I should stay there for now until I get some of my debt paid off. I just don't know what to make of all of it. I am looking for another job now but I am not sure where to even search. I know what I want badly is to be flying on the mission field but the only way to get there is by having a decent job. I just am really tired of cleaning and that is exactly what this job is. I guess I would like something more managerial or administrative but I don't have a degree in those areas. This job is also pretty lonely and that doesn't help matters. I had such a good time with Ben and Jen and I began to wonder, with the birth of Emma, if I should try to find a job closer to Copperas Cove, TX where they will be living. I don't have anything tying me down outside of my job and obviously that knot isn't very tight. Wherever I am, I know two things, I need to have a job that pays well and that I also enjoy. Solomon in all his wisdom states in Ecclesiastes several times how important it is to enjoy your work. These verses have stuck out in my mind a lot in the past couple of years.

So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why we are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die. (Eccl 3:22, NIV)

To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life – that is indeed a gift from God. People who do this rarely look with sorrow on the past, for God has given them reasons for joy.” (Eccl 5: 18, NIV)

I don't know what God has in store for me but I believe that it is possible to get a job that I enjoy and that can also get me where He wants me to be. I am trusting that God will ease my mind and show me exactly where it is that He wants me.

Blessings of God!

Well, as mentioned in my last post, I did end up taking a week off from flying. The intention was to clean the carpets at the church and hopefully make some money so I could continue flight training. I did not end up cleaning any carpets. I got caught up doing some other cleaning jobs at the church. So, needless to say, I didn't earn the extra cash I was hoping to. What I did receive though was $6,250 through the donations of God's people!!! Altogether, I have received $9,035 so far!!! I am extremely blessed and very thankful for God's provision! As people continue to give, I will be keeping any additional funds in a savings account to use toward my next steps in flight training. I presume that I will need at least $30,000 more dollars to finish the other certifications I need. That is a low number and it may end up being closer to $50,000. That is after the assistance I receive from the military.
Because I took that week and a half off from flying, I actually regressed a bit. It was actually very disappointing for me. It took me two days to get back in the swing of things. Because of that and some other formalities I was not able to practice take offs and landings on my own (solo). Hopefully, I will be able to get that accomplished this week. I was just reading some strangers' blog as he was writing about his first solo experience. I was getting so excited thinking about walking in his shoes...http://geekswithblogs.net/paulp/archive/2006/08/12/87806.aspxs
Exciting! God is good!!! Thank you to all those who have given financially and through their prayers. My appreciation goes beyond words!!!

Short delay

Sorry it has been a while since I have updated. So much has happened since I last visited. I found out from MCCC (the local college here where I hope to enroll for my flight training after I join the military) that in order to be accepted into their program--whether or not they closed--I would need to have my private pilots' license before the Fall semester. So, I contacted my pastor to update him and he recommended that I bring my situation before the Deacon board and see if there would be any way that the church could help me. After unanimous support they decided they would let the congregation know that there is a missionary in training that needs some financial help and see how the Lord provides. To this date, I have received $2250 without any formal announcements being made. It is supposed to appear in the bulletin next week so hopefully people will want to join in on this endeavor. This really is a dream coming true before my eyes and a humbling experience, to be sure.
I started my flight training, as encouraged by the deacons, on May 5th. I have put in 24.8 hours so far and am working on landings right now. After I get those down, I will be able to solo! Exciting, right? :)
Another huge blessing is that the church hired my carpet cleaning company to clean the carpets throughout the church campus which will be a great boost to my income. Because of this, I will be taking the week off from flying with the exception of Wednesday. I am so grateful for the Lord's constant provision. He truly gives us more than we could ever think or imagine.
And, I almost forgot, MCCC made a final decision on the 14th of this month and have made me aware that they will remain open. They were bailed out by the NJ Dept. of Transportation and will be receiving some new airplanes as well. So, as you can imagine, that eases my mind a bit.
I guess that puts us up-to-date. I will try to be faithful about writing every week now that I have updated again. Thanks again for everyone's prayers. Have a Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Missin' You

Tonight, I am confused. Trusting God has become an effort that needs to be recommitted often. I don't know how, but one day I will be fine and the next day will bring its own new challenges to the surface and without even realizing what has happened, I find myself trying to answer all the questions myself and have somehow tried to 'take control.' Really, deep down, I don't want the control. I would just make a HUGE mess out of everything, I know that! But my sin nature always has other ideas. So, here I am, recommited once more. Recommited to the plan God has for me and trying my best to abide in Him and His will for me. Still, I am confused but I think that is okay. Then I am certain He is control and I am not. That brings a smile to my face.

As the thoughts swirled around in my mind tonight, one thought just kept coming back. That thought was that I REALLY love Jesus and cannot wait until the day I am in heaven with Him. I will see Him face to face and worship Him forever! THAT, will be the BEST day of my life!

Here is a song that speaks to my heart often on these contemplative nights:

Missin' You
by Chris Rice
I heard about the day You went away
You said You had to go prepare a place
And even though I’ve never seen Your face
I’m missin’ You
I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky
And I wish it didn’t have to be so high
‘Cause I’m belonging on the other side
And I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me
But still I’m missin’ You

I dream about Your promise to return
And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word
But for now my feet are planted here on earth
So I’m missin’ You
And even while they say that I’m a fool
I know you see me waiting here for You
Oh, and prayin’ that somehow You’ll get here soon
‘Cause I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me
But still I’m missin’ You

How much longer will it be
Till I get to see you
Though I know you’re right here with me
Tell me when can I be there with you

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me
But still I’m missin’ You

Oh, I’m missin’ You
Lord, I’m missin’ You

Tough memories

This probably sounds like its a bad thing but it is not. I got to chat online with Hiromi today and it was such a blessing! It made me miss Japan so much though. I miss her and her family especially but I also miss the people there and the culture. I actually started crying when she mentioned that her mom said I should come back and visit. I told her that she had no idea how much I would love to do that. I still have a heart for Japan-- for the people there to know Christ and for the Christians to be encouraged. I just wonder what God is doing in my life. I am having a hard time being patient today but I KNOW He is working out His will in my life. I also know that His will for me is to be here in New Jersey. Specifically, His will is for me to clean the church today. His will for me in the future is no greater than His will for me today. I need to constantly be reminded of that.
In Sunday School a while back, the story of David and Goliath was presented to the children. I was struck with a truth that I had never seen before. Every day it was God's will that David be an ordinary shepherd. I am sure he didn't think he was anything special and probably wondered if He could ever be used by God. What he didn't know was that God was preparing him for the future. He faced and defeated a lion and a bear and someday he would defeat the GIANT Goliath and in what seemed like one moment, God had been glorified. I believe that God was glorified in every step of the process up to that point. Sometimes we need to just keep plugging away and trust God completely that He is working out His will in our lives and it is usually a lot different than we would like it or think it should be. Honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love this blog! It gives me an opportunity to really preach to myself and keep a record of all these ways that God speaks to my heart.
Well, Hiromi and the Takahashi family, know that I love you and miss Japan very much. You are doing a great work there in the Lord. When I read Acts 14:21-28 this afternoon I thought of you, Mr Takahashi. Stay strong, all of you, and He will be there to guide and strengthen you.
Love you,
Liz