I have felt the calling to lead worship for some time now.  I don't know an exact date but it becomes more and more confirmed with time.  Every time I see this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEJnePjJZaM, I feel the call.  My heart just leaps to a different place where all I sense is joy and satisfaction, where nothing else matters.  All my hopes, cares and distractions fade away as I pour out my heart in worship.  Someday this is all I will do...in heaven.  I cannot wait..but I must.  This song specifically speaks to me. For many years, God has not relented, not given up.  I have fallen time and time again but in His unwavering grace He dusts me off and wraps His loving arms around me and spurs me on to good works.  I feel so "at home" worshipping him. 

Today has been one of those days where I don't physically want to be where I am but on the other hand I cannot think of a place where I would be satisfied.  I opened up this song and realized, as I felt that burning in my heart again, that where I truly yearn to be is worshiping Him in our "home" called heaven.  Oh, Lord, please help me to joyously persevere.  You have set me here, in this time of life, to refine me, to draw me ever closer to You and make me to become more like Your Son Jesus.  I need your joy, grace and strength to empower and overwhelm me.  I cannot do it on my own.  I need You.

my "babycakes"

The Hard Things cont..

I am praying that if it is God's will, He might provide someone to help care for the children and help out around the house, just even so my sister can get some sleep. I know these will be trying days for Jen but God is greater than any trial this world has to offer. He is our Strength! He will provide in marvelous ways and show His hand of Might once again! I will rest in these promises and that His love for us will never fail.

"Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, 
from everlasting to everlasting.

Let all the people say, “Amen!” Praise the LORD. 
(Psalm 106:48)

The Hard Things

Sometimes God asks us to at least be willing to do the hard things.  This has been an emotionally tough year for me.  Just when I thought the rest of this year might begin to look up, God instead asked me to do one more hard thing.

My sister has two children and is pregnant with her third child.  They found out about one month ago that her husband, who is in the Army, will be away for mandatory training for seven weeks, in which time, my sister is expecting the arrival of their child.  Not too long after that, her husband will deploy yet again.  I prayed long and hard over whether or not I should at least temporarily relocate to Kentucky to help with the children during these seven weeks.  I was willing to stay up to a year-and-a-half to assist during my brother-in-law's absence.  My sister and brother-in-law are moving soon and their new home would have provided a place for me to stay. I had a potential part-time job (with my favorite airline, I might add) and the comfort of being with my family. But, God said, "no."

Nothing pains me more than not being there for my sister.  I love her so much more than words could ever express. Just typing this brings me to tears, literally.  I know how badly she longs for me to be there and, in turn, how badly I long to be there. 

I do not know why God desires that I stay here.  As one friend said recently, "Here?, Why?"  That is a really great question.  I just keep referring back to His calling on my life.  I do not know why I need to stay here in New Jersey and not be with my sister when she seemingly needs me the most.  But, for God, I am willing.

I think the hardest part is mentally picturing my sister in tears as she struggles with three children under three without her husband by her side.  Tied closely to that emotion is the reality of how much I long to be a part of their lives.  I miss them so much!

Lord, I surrender everything that I am--heart and soul--to your desires for my life. It does not make sense to me, but, I know Your ways are higher than mine and I trust and rest in You.  You are my Refuge, an ever-present Help in time of need! I could not live a day without You.

Two songs that spoke to me heavily today and comforted my weak heart are linked below.  I balled for at least 25 minutes and kept replaying "Savior King" over and over.  After most of the tears subsided, I played "Lord, I Need You" by Chris Tomlin.  Such healing-- "Every hour I need you...Oh God, how I need You."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=tiI04N9SmLA&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0bSTs2KnAs

Do you ever feel that Satan has your number?

 This post was actually written several months ago but I never published it.  After reading it today, and struggling yet again, I thought I should post it, even if it is just for me :)
 
The past two days Satan has really been fighting overtime, so it seems. It's almost like I have been fine for so many months and then out of nowhere, "wham" there he is, in full storm. I am not even sure what brought this on but I am haunted again by this sin that never seems to go away completely. That sin that we somehow need to re-commit at the altar more than we would like to admit. That one weakness that creeps up on us unexpectedly and makes us feel like we are unworthy of God's love. I think we each have our own "Satan Specialty." It is almost as if he knows exactly what buttons to push in hopes of persuading us to fall off the edge in into his filthy muck once again. And somehow, for those few moments, that muck looks so enticing! The more we give in to the temptation the more beautiful and alluring the sin becomes. If we let the temptation settle and thrive in our minds, he has us right where he wants us. "Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. " - James 1:14,15
Luckily, God is full of grace and truth. These are the ingredients of victory over sin. Instead of dwelling on Satan's lies, we must speak truth. Start thanking God for all He has done for you. You will be amazed at how soon the temptations will flee when we realize that what Satan has to offer is only temporary pleasure with a side of guilt and shame. Sometimes, I believe that we just need to cry out for His grace, realizing that we cannot do it on our own. Sometimes in His mercy, he picks us up even in our darkest moment and lifts us up out of the miry pit and all we can do is praise and worship Him because we know it was only by His grace and mercy, no merit of our own. (1 Cor 15:10, 2 Cor 12:9)
I don't know how long I will be haunted by this sin. Will I wake up tomorrow and not wrestle with it for another 6 months? Will it ever go away completely? Only God knows but I have a strong feeling that these moments of weakness are what keeps us near to the cross. These moments keep us humble and true to ourselves and more importantly they keep us true to God. We are not fooling anyone. Living a life of holiness is not easy but it can be done. We must maintain a proper fear of God and be constantly yielding to righteousness (Rom 6:19, 2 Cor 7:1).